Chasing the Sunshine

Keep your face to the sunshine, and you cannot see the shadows. It's what sunflowers do. -- Helen Keller

Since getting diagnosed with myasthenia gravis, I have been assigned two nurse case managers, one from my health insurance and one from my health care provider, who follow up my ongoing treatments with regular phone calls. They call every two weeks or so to see how I am doing, how I am responding to treatment and to answer any questions that I might have. They also ask if I am feeling depressed or if I notice any signs of depression. Hmmm. I am always stumped when they ask me this question. I have no idea if I am depressed. So I tell them honestly that I don't know, that I do feel sadness about my condition once in a while but it is not a sadness that prevents me from getting up from bed in the morning and going about my day. I think they are satisfied with that answer, assure me that if I ever feel the need to see someone for prolonged sadness, that they are willing to recommend a health professional for me to see or suggest some course of treatment. Long after I hang up the phone, the question still lingers. Am I depressed?

A friend or loved one may have told me once that if you have to ask yourself if you are depressed, then most likely you are not. So what is depression and what is it like being depressed? Depression is defined by the Mayo Clinic as a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. It affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and depression may make you feel as if life isn't worth living. Depression is common among people with chronic illnesses like MG, Parkinson's, lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, etc. Well, I certainly have had days when I felt sad since I got sick. I felt hopeless when I landed back in the ICU for the second time in my life only four months after my first. Since then I have come to realize how fragile my health is, and that this disease is not to be taken lightly. I felt sad and lonely in the hospital, and felt sad and lonely when I came home to an empty house. My husband had left for work in the morning and my children were staying with my sister-in-law. Alone with my thoughts and still feeling weak, it was the perfect sowing ground for the seeds of negative thoughts and emotions. Will I ever be strong again? What if I continue to get worse? Will I be able to do the things that I love? Will I be able to travel and see family and friends in other parts of the world? What happens if I die soon? How will my poor husband and children cope without me? The torrent of questions scared me, and so I did what anyone in my situation would do right there and then--I googled 'depression' on my ipad and researched ways on how I can battle it.

I read articles upon articles, medical websites, blogs, watched videos, and followed the tips (there is a ton you can do when the kids are away) and since that day (which was only a few weeks ago), I was able to start slowly driving off the darkness. It is a daily struggle--and so far I have been quite successful, although I do not fully understand the reasons why they are working for me. But for readers who may be going through a rough time, I am happy to share the tips that I am finding to be effective--drug-free natural ways to ward off depression.  I'd like to stress, however, that if you are suffering from a chronic or serious illness like I am, to first try to get as much medical help from a physician and to learn as much about your disease as you can. Whether it is MG, or allergies, migraines, cancer or constant pain, and even clinical depression, we first need to be seen by a doctor as soon as possible and hopefully get a correct diagnosis, so that we can all be on our way to treatment and recovery. That being said, here are my own ways of chasing the sunshine.

1. I pray.

I pray differently now and I pray more. By this I mean I talk to God in my head constantly, from the time I open my eyes in the morning to the the time just when I am about to fall asleep at night. It is an on-going honest-to-goodness, no-holds-barred conversation all day long. I occasionally read from the Bible, prayer books and pray my rosary, but it is the one-on-one chat session with God that pulls me up and gets me through the day. I also found this prayer from St. Ignatius of Loyola, which I say in the morning before I literally get out of bed right at the time of day when depression tries to rear its ugly head. St. Ignatius famously suffered from depression, and was able to overcome it by recognizing his unhealthy thoughts when they come and replacing them with positive ones--which is very similar to modern day cognitive therapy techniques used to treat people with depression, or so I've read. He hit the nail right on the head with this simple prayer.

O Christ Jesus
When all is darkness
And we feel our weakness and helplessness,
Give us the sense of Your Presence,
Your Love and Your Strength.
Help us to have perfect trust
In Your protecting love
And strengthening power,
So that nothing may frighten or worry us,
For, living close to You,
We shall see Your Hand,
Your Purpose, Your Will through all things.


I pray for myself to get better, and I pray for others who are sick like me. The same way I brush my teeth, wash my face and dress every morning, I also don an armor of faith through prayer. This fills me with peace and assurance that everything will be okay and God is nearby to carry me and others through the day.

2. I get busy, but I know and respect my limits.

I find that whenever I have too much time to myself, negative thoughts and emotions find their way through and if I am not careful, can easily take control over how I see the rest of my day. Luckily I do not have to look too far to find something to do. I am a busy stay-at-home mom of two children, the younger of whom is only two years old, and unlike my older, calmer child, is a big ball of energy who keeps me on my toes. Plus there are meals to cook, dishes to put away, laundry to wash and fold, rugs to vacuum, emails to read, bills to pay, bills to file, plants to water, books to read to my child, etc. When I do have time to myself, I write on this blog, I draw, paint, watch Korean dramas on YouTube, or just watch TV. But I know my limits and I honor them. I sneak naps in between chores when my energy wanes. When my husband watches the kids I stay in bed and meditate. Being busy doing things that are not related to my illness makes me think less and less about being sick, I have no time to feel sad and I actually feel really good. One day when I am stronger, I will also find ways to help others too. Helping others is the all-around hands-down antidote to depression, but that will come in time when my body has healed enough to be able to lend a hand.

3. I surround myself with positive energy.

Positive energy comes in many forms--listening to fun, upbeat music, watching feel-good movies, reading inspirational stories and books, eating more healthful food (more fruits and veggies), sharing recipes with others, tending a garden, caring for a pet, keeping in touch with family and friends from around the world, maybe less Facebook and more Facetime, less Game of Thrones more Downton Abbey, surrounding yourself with positive people, laughing more, smiling more and practicing many, many random acts of kindness towards your self, friends, family, neighbors and even to strangers, even when you don't feel like doing it sometimes. It can be as simple as just thinking happy thoughts--a mental challenge in this age of cynicism and a universal disdain for Barney the Dinosaur, true, but with practice it can be done, say today I had a good hair day in spite of the heat and humidity. Score!

I find that in practicing positive thinking I need to start being kind to myself first, before I can be kind to others. On days when I feel especially weak, I talk to my body and I tell her that today we will take it easy. I picture myself beside my body gently coaching her to rest when I need it, to ask for help reaching for heavy plates in the cupboard, and praise her for trying to get through the day without complaining, to admire her for keeping calm even when her toddler is screaming his head off because he wants the big ipad which his brother simply refuses to share. When he does break out in a monster tantrum, I try not to take it personally, and instead patiently wait for the tantrum to subside, and look at the situation with a sense of humor (I now try to film my son in the throes of a tantrum with my video camera and play the video for him later when he's happy and we have a good laugh every single time). I also seek positive images, like I now refrain from watching violent films. I try not to read the news. If I happen to read bad news or see terrible events unfolding on TV where people are hurt, I say a prayer for them and their families.  When people say they want to visit me and help babysit the kids for a day, or even just to see how I am doing, I take them up on it and enjoy their company, even when I don't feel like being sociable at that moment. I try not take my illness too seriously, and count my many blessings. It is a mental exercise that I must do daily and conscientiously if I am to keep depression away.      

4. I meditate.

A good friend of mine who is into holistic medicine suggested I give meditation a try. I said sure why not, and added "how to meditate" to my list of Google searches. At this point I will try anything just to avoid getting sicker and having to go back to the hospital. There are dozens and dozens of ways to meditate, I have learned, and YouTube is full of videos for self-guided meditation. But as to why we should mediate, especially those of us who need healing and are trying to get away from depression, it turns out that there are actually science-based studies that prove the benefits of meditation.

Meditation alters the way our brain functions in a good way. While I will not get into the technical brain science details, because they are just way too over my head (no pun intended), studies have shown that meditation changes the way our brain processes fear, anxiety and other negative emotions and trains the brain to look at these from a more rational perspective. The end results are a calmer mind, greater capacity for empathy and compassion, and being able to respond in a more balanced way to people or events in our lives. But meditation must be practiced on a daily basis, at a minimum of 15 minutes each time, in order to strengthen and sustain these new neural connections, otherwise, our brain will go back to their old unhealthy habits. For the complete article on the science behind the benefits of meditation, here is the link.

I have since been meditating, even while I was still in the hospital, just before I take an afternoon nap and right before I go to sleep at night. My meditation of choice is one that is called "full body scan meditation", where I visualize a powerful beam of white light from the sky scanning my body from my toes to my head, healing me as it floods my body. It may sound like I am describing a scene from Star Trek, or my body laying upside down on top of a giant Xerox machine, but I find that the process of quieting my mind and visualizing healing light energy bathing my body for just 15 minutes each day certainly has had a calming and relaxing effect on me, and has been keeping stress, bad thoughts and bad feelings at bay. It has also helped me fall asleep faster, a huge bonus considering that a side effect of my medications is insomnia.

5. I literally chase the sunshine.

It is a well-known fact that sunshine affects our moods. Sunshine helps boost levels of serotonin in our brains, a neurotransmitter that affects sleep, appetite, memory, and mood. Sunshine makes us happier. It also helps people recover more quickly from the stress and pain of surgery and alleviate symptoms of chronic diseases including MG. I noticed its effects on my mood during my hospital stays. I know I felt more optimistic and hopeful during my second time in ICU, where I had huge southwest-facing windows, even though I was weaker physically. In contrast, my first ICU room four months previously had smaller irregularly-shaped windows that faced north. My room then was darker, and I felt sicker and less hopeful about my prognosis, even though physically I was much stronger then. So these days I strive to sit in the early morning sunshine with a cup of tea and browse through my ipad. I only sit for 5 minutes under direct sunlight because too much can exacerbate my symptoms. Five minutes is also more than enough to get the daily recommended dose of Vitamin D, which is 2,000 IU. It is also enough time to read Psalms 145-150. Remember to wear shorts and no sunscreen. Right now it is summer where I live and it is easy to get my morning Vitamin D's. It will be trickier in the winter, but I will cross that hopefully sunny bridge when I get there. In the meantime, I will chase the sunshine whenever I can.

6. I try to look my best.

When you're sick like me, and a busy mom at that, the last thing on your mind would be how to look your best. My medications also have that lovely effect of putting dark shadows under my eyes from lack of restful sleep. But I know that when I feel bad AND look bad, then I'd feel even worse, especially when I'd catch my reflection in the mirror or see the three hundred photos my toddler occasionally takes of me using the ipad. Unless I cover every mirror or reflective surface in my house or lock the ipads away, then I am doomed. So I try to do the minimum I can to look presentable--brush my hair, wash my face and wear clean clothes with fun colors. As long I don't scare the neighborhood kids or the UPS man when I get my packages at my door, I'm good, unless of course it's Halloween, then I all I need to do is dig out my witch costume and a broom. Too bad Halloween only comes once a year.

7. I try to get enough sleep at night.

The key word of course is the word "try" because getting a full straight eight hours of sleep is downright impossible for someone like me. My toddler still looks for me in the middle of the night, and my teenaged son has a tendency to sleepwalk. But I do trade places with my husband during weekends--he wakes up for the kids while I sleep in. It works, if only for two days out of the week, but two days of quality sleep is better than no sleep at all.

8. I draw strength from my family.

I am blessed that I don't have many difficult days like this. I read somewhere that there are people who are genetically predisposed to depression, and thankfully I don't seem to be one of them. I've read that if a person grows up around another family member who is depressed, there is a small chance he or she will experience it too sometime in life. I don't remember seeing anyone depressed in my family while I was growing up. My extended family has been through rough times like everybody else, but I have not seen anyone exhibit any signs of depression. Maybe we are just really good at denial, or maybe we just know how to be sad and when to be happy. And if there is one thing my extended family knows how to do well is not to dwell on sadness, but to party. They can come up with all sorts of reasons to celebrate with food and family. No matter what each one is going through, they find reasons to get together and feast--and do it often. At my maternal grandmother's funeral many years ago, which sadly I was not able to attend, they had a family photo taken where everyone was dressed in white, and there were about twenty or so relatives, and each one was smiling or mid-laughter in the photograph. I don't think they were happy that my grandma passed away (she was 84 and died peacefully in her sleep after battling cancer), but I think they just made peace with the knowledge that dying is a natural part of living, and we were all blessed and happy to have been a part of my grandmother's life, and life goes on. This is a strength I do not and will never take for granted, and look forward to the day when I am strong enough to rejoin those family reunions with my husband and kids.

9. I live life a day at a time and I am thankful for each day.

When all else fails, especially on difficult days when none of the tips above seems to be helping, I just try to get through life a day at a time, and maybe even an hour at a time if I have to during extra bad days, and be thankful for being able to manage my illness and avoid the hospital for another day. I also sometimes just let out a good cry--it's certainly cleansing and cathartic, and my toddler is my role model when it comes to crying. Boy, can he bawl. I also remind myself that the body breaks, it is temporary. Who I am is not just my body. I am more than my body. I am my thoughts, my feelings, my faith, my relationships, my memories, my talents, my dreams. 

This blog entry is long enough so I will stop here. The point of my post is that there are many ways to combat the stirrings of depression and I know I am not alone in the fight. If you are experiencing prolonged bouts of sadness, hopelessness and despair, please, please do not hesitate to reach out to talk to someone--friend or loved one who will take time to listen--and consider getting immediate professional medical help. I am blessed that I can shake off sadness and depression quite easily for now, but it may not always be like this. But I am aware of my options. I will talk to someone and even seek professional help if I ever feel the need for it. The nurses case managers check up on me every two weeks, so I am covered for now. In the meantime, I will continue chasing the sunshine while I can.